Remember Who She Was Before You: A Mother's Day Mindset

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my mother."

With Mother's Day being this weekend, I wanted to take the opportunity to look at this holiday and reflect on the dynamics of motherhood in general, in particular my own mother and now more recently, my wife and mother to my children.

Before I dive in, I wanted to examine the aforementioned quote for just a second…

These words came from a particularly important man who did a lot of very important things in his lifetime; He established a national banking system, he facilitated the rapid development of western expansion through the transcontinental railroad, and he also established the Department of Agriculture.

Oh and he also preserved the union and declared all slaves in America free.

If you haven't already guessed, that would be our nation's 16th president, Abraham Lincoln; who also had a mother!

Lincoln's message is clear that our Mothers are the most important people in our lives. Many historians debate whether this quote was meant for his own mother, who died when he was just a boy or his step-mother who lived well into his adult years.

Regardless, there is no denying about one of the most important natural phenomena than a mother’s love for their offspring. Almost every animal on the planet is reared by a mother for the obvious reasons of being a literal food supply, but also to be the nest builder and often times source of safety.

But getting back to my mom, to me, my mom is an extraordinary person. At 74 years old, she has had quite a life. From her upbringing in Coastal Massachusetts to moving to the city by the bay at 22 years old and soon after building a family consisting of my older brother, me, and my younger sister with my dad to beating cancer to being a constant entrepreneur.

And then of course there is now my wife, who has become a mother to two wonderful children that have filled my cup to its fullest. Seeing her become the mother that she is over the past (wow! almost) 5 years now has been an incredible privilege to see.

Obviously, these two women deserve much more content than just this post but for the sake of the holiday, I wanted to examine the dynamics of motherhood and how each experience is deeply personal and unique for everyone. As a man, this is a relationship that cannot be underestimated across all walks of life.

And mom – if you're reading this just know that everything I say here is 100% out of love.

Mom

My mom, Kathleen (nee Harkins) came from a relatively large family. Being the oldest of 4 sisters and one brother, she took on an authority role at a relatively early age. I imagine this is where her natural leadership qualities began to form. Growing up on the East Coast shaped her in ways I'm still discovering to this day – that distinctive New England pragmatism mixed with an unwavering loyalty to family.

What has always stood out about my mom is her vocal, unapologetic love for her family. There was never any doubt where you stood with her. She would tell you exactly how much she loved you, how proud she was, or occasionally, how disappointed she might be. This transparency created a loving home even when her children (yes, even me…) wouldn’t always reciprocate.

Alongside this emotional openness was a work ethic that, frankly, I'm still trying to match decades later. "Restless" barely begins to describe it. Whether managing household logistics, advancing her BnB business, or spending afternoons on the golf course with my dad, she approaches everything with a determination that borders on insanity. Weekends weren't for relaxation – they were for projects, improvement, forward momentum.

One of her greatest gifts to us was her pragmatism. "Life isn't fair" wasn't delivered as a harsh lesson but as essential preparation. My brother, sister, and I were incredibly fortunate to have the upbringing we did. Still, she wanted us to be equipped for reality, not sheltered from it. This balance of unwavering support for her family with clear-eyed realism taught us to be vigilant, something I am only starting to fully appreciate once I had my own children.

And then everything changed when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I still remember wailing in her lap at 10 years old not fully understanding the situation. Still, mom approached even this setback with a sense of determination and then one day, it was no longer an issue.

Years later I look back at her survival as a testament to her spirit. And after her recovery, there was a subtle but noticeable shift in her priorities and perhaps it was the importance of time, of presence, and of making the most of what time we have on this earth.

The Traditions That Shaped Us

Some of my fondest childhood memories revolve around our family traditions, many orchestrated by mom. Sunday evenings meant pizza and popcorn while watching whatever movie we'd picked for family night. It know it sounds simple, but these traditions created a rhythm to our weeks, a touchstone of togetherness we could count on.

Then there were the home cooked meals. When my parents first got married, my dad subtly suggested my mom take cooking classes (interpret that however you wish!), and I imagine she took that as a challenge and began to take her culinary prowess very seriously. So much so, that to this day, she has hosted numerous cooking classes in their home teaching everyday parents how to cook gourmet meals. Our home became known for big holiday gatherings, impromptu dinner parties, and an exploration of new flavors and dishes.

On top of that, every summer meant the pilgrimage back to Cape Cod, reconnecting with her siblings, our cousins, and for many years, her mother – my grandmother, whom we fondly called Nini.

To me, these weren't just vacations; they were a thread connecting to my roots, to my mom's origin story. Walking the same beaches she explored as a child, hearing stories of her youth from aunts and uncles – these experiences gave me context for the woman who raised us. When my grandmother Nini passed in 2018, these trips took on an even deeper significance, keeping her memory and influence alive through our continued presence there.

Watching My Wife Become a Mother

If my mother showed me what motherhood looks like from a child's perspective, my wife has revealed its inner workings. The thoughtfulness that goes into seemingly simple decisions – which schools to consider years in advance, how to structure holidays to build lasting memories, even which clothes might make our kids feel confident and comfortable has been eye-opening to me.

What amazes me most is her ability to engage with our kids in such unique and fun ways. After long workdays, she still finds energy for impromptu dance parties in the living room or silly games that leave everyone breathless with laughter. These days are precious and are going to be short and I know she sees their value.

There's a special kind of magic in watching my wife transform ordinary household items into extraordinary adventures for our children. An empty cardboard box becomes a rocket ship. Leftover containers and some watercolors turn into an afternoon of artistic exploration. Her "MacGyver skills," as I affectionately call them, aren't just about resourcefulness – they're about seeing possibility where others might see waste.

Her journey hasn't been without her own challenges. Her honesty with me and her family about her own difficulties and her ability to work through them has only deepened my love and respect for her. I've watched her advocate for her own mental health while simultaneously building a warm, supportive home environment – teaching our children by example that strength includes acknowledging when you need help.

I am guilty of overlooking so many dimensions of motherhood that many of us fail to fully appreciate. I'm still learning to see all the invisible threads she weaves that hold our family's experience together.

The Women Behind the Mothers

One of my great regrets is how long it has taken me to consider who my mother was before she became "Mom." What were her dreams at 20? What made her laugh uncontrollably with her friends? What fears kept her awake at night? These questions matter because they remind us that mothers aren't born – they're women who take on an additional, transformative identity while still carrying their original selves.

I'm trying to do better with my wife – to remember and honor the woman I fell in love with, not just the mother my children adore. To ask about her day with genuine interest, to create space for her passions and friendships, to see her holistically rather than through the narrow lens of her relationship with our kids.

This Mother's Day, perhaps the greatest gift we can offer the mothers in our lives is this recognition: that they are complete, complex individuals whose stories didn't begin with us and won't end with our independence. They have chapters we know nothing about, talents we may never fully witness, and dreams that exist alongside – not in opposition to – their love for us.

Lincoln was right – we owe our mothers everything. But perhaps what we owe them most is to see them fully, to acknowledge the tapestry of their lives beyond their relationship to us. My mother's strength, pragmatism and fierce love laid the foundation for who I am. My wife's creativity, presence, and emotional intelligence are shaping our children in ways that fill me with awe.

This Sunday, I'll celebrate both of these extraordinary women. But more importantly, I'll strive to carry this appreciation and awareness beyond a single holiday, to honor the full spectrum of who they are every day. Because motherhood isn't just about what they give – it's about who they are, who they've been, and who they're still becoming.

To mothers everywhere – and especially to mine – thank you doesn't begin to cover it. But it's a start.

Me and Mom circa 1984